Archive for the ‘Current Events’ category

The Best Public Masturbation Story To Date

April 14, 2006

Joseph “Donald” Scordato of Paterson, NJ was charged with masturbating in public (in front a public movie theater) in September, 2005. This probably isn’t that unusual of an arrest, because I’m sure a lot of people get charged with this. However, there are several unusual and interesting parts to this specific public masturbation case:

1) Scordato is 81 years old. Wow. Masturbating in public at 81. No stage fright for this guy. He’s probably so happy that everything still works that he was just showing off.

2) When the police told him why he was being arrested, he said, “That’s not possible. I don’t have a penis.” Either he’s a really, really bad liar, or his brain is not working nearly as well as the downstairs plumbing.

3) Apparently, when the police didn’t buy the missing genitals excuse, he told them that he wasn’t masturbating, and said, “I have very dry skin and I have to itch it a lot.” That reminds me of something that I heard a kid say in high school: “It’s my penis and I’ll clean it as fast as I want to.”

4) In the courtroom where he was attending his arraignment, he fell asleep in his wheelchair, then when the judge asked him why he didn’t have a lawyer, he said he couldn’t get one because he was in the hospital. See the comment in 2 regarding the state of his brain.

5) Asked how he felt about the charges, Scordato uttered an obscenity and said, “Let’s get out of here.”

This guy’s a real firecracker. Someone needs to sign him and make some money off of this story, because it’s too good to pass up.

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Branding your drugs

April 11, 2006

Hey Dealers,

Worried that your pot-laced-junk-food products aren't reaching your target demographic? If so, maybe you should take a hint from Kenneth Affolter, 39, who was selling THC infused candies and sodas from his 1740 Telegraph Ave building. Affolter and others were selling and marketing the products under the brand name "Beyond Bomb." The products were all labelled with very professional looking parodies of real candy and soda products labels. The pictures are below. But first, some notable details and comments:

1) Apparently the products listed the dosages for THC on them. They said "Dosage: One pastry. Do not exceed four pastries in 24 hours." Just make sure you don't leave Keef Kats on the counter where your dog can eat them when you leave for work. I know how bad chocoloate is for dogs, so high-dosage THC-infused chocolate must be hundreds of times worse.

2) People always say that marijuana is harmless and people are so mellow when they're smoking and blah, blah, blah. Yet authorities found more than $150,000 in cash, two semi-automatic weapons and a revolver during the raids. Yeah, real safe and mellow.

Here are the pictures of Beyond Bomb's repetoire:

pot candy

pot tarts

stoney rancher

pot drinks

Emperor Palpatine for Secretary of Interior?

March 17, 2006

Yesterday President Bush nominated Idaho Gov. Dirk Kempthorne as the new secretary of the interior. I saw this picture of Kempthorne next to a story about the nomination on the Idaho Mountain Express website. If you ask me, he looks a lot like Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars movies. I guess that the current administration has decided to stop pretending that they’re running a democracy and is going to start officially endorsing the use of the dark side to control and manipulate the plebians, I mean, citizens of the U.S.

secretary of interior

Dirk Kempthorne

palpatine

Emperor Palpatine / Darth Sidius